Hey my loves (my readers),
It’s been awhile since I’ve just hopped on and said what’s on my heart so tonight it’s one of those post. So many people have recently poured into me, different thoughts have crossed my head and old memories have had me in tears. Right now I’m asking myself, how did you get to this point?
Anyone who knows me, know writing is what I do and I have a good play on words. Poetry, that’s my thang, lol. SO why haven’t I written in so long? Why do people have to tell me to get back to it? Honestly I have no idea why but that I do know that it’s apart of me that I’ve neglected and I can feel it. It’s still odd to do because I’ve been gone for so long but that’s why I’ve decided to post more often. 4 times a week to get back into this flow. Regardless of time just flow. If I don’t, it won’t be me.
The anxiety over the course of these last few years came about after I stopped writing, as a result my hair have broken off and it hurts more than I portray because I know I have a hand in this. My hair shouldn’t have paid the cost of the fears, confusion and hurt that’s inside. Somehow over time I’ve been holding everything inside and it has caused me to get to this point. The point where stress and fear have almost become my god. Plus physically paralyzing me so I have to find ways to break this because I know this is not me.
I’ve been in my own world. I don’t have much time for Shadreya and I’m beginning to go crazy in a sense because I can’t think or breathe. I’m always doing something for someone else but myself. I work with my grandmother daily and then I go straight into coach mode. So I’m working on finding my “me” time with building the massive empire I’ve envisioned for several years. I found comfort in Derrick these last two years. He was a huge part of my decision making in 2015 because I had so much going on around me, it was just chaos after chaos no normality to my life and I wasn’t home which made it 20x harder. So he became a part of me to help me escape everything going on. The crazy thing is he would notice, I wasn’t picking my hair around him. He played apart of my happiness and he meant more than I knew at the time.
Letting him go has been bittersweet because like I said he’s a comfort zone for me, I got into a routine with him and that’s no longer there, so that makes it bitter but it’s sweet because I know who I am without him. He helped me build my belief within myself because on my worst days he told me I was beautiful and we had one on one talks a lot, lol. So no longer needing that validation is sweet. I’ve always known who I was but never vocal about it, I just carried it within. In the past people down talked me within my family and a few randoms who didn’t really know me but I knew who I was regardless.
I’m at the point where I just want more out of LIFE, out of MYSELF, out of my PURPOSE and create the freedom I’m supposed to have building a life with the King God see fit for me. My healthy active lifestyle has brought so much into my life. I’m beyond grateful, what’s meant to be will be and who is meant to be in my life will remain. I’m trusting God’s vision for my life. Sometimes we just have to be broken down to built back up and grow into the next levels God envisions.
Love, Peace and Honesty,