Update {4.25.12}…..venting a little.

Hello my loves aka my readers,

I needed to post something I’ve been thinking about posting since last week so here we are. There’s so much on my mind far as my career(s), my weight, loving someone sooooooooooooooooo far away and being the woman I’m hungry to be. For a very long time I’ve put everyone in front of me as priorities and I’m finally at a place where I can put Dreya first. So I’m pushing as hard as I possibly can to make these dreams mine for whatever it will take. In my heart and soul I just know that I’m meant to be more than I am at this point so each day doing this same pattern bothers me. Lol, I’ve realized it’s called being “impatient” so I’m trying to just be patient but when I don’t look for a job in my field or don’t work on my book I feel like I’m not being productive or I’m settling. For those reasons I’m always doing something day in and day out I’m either applying for a job in my field, as an assistant or doing book materials for “Love, Peace and Honesty: This Is Me”. The book is my main focus these days and I can’t stop at any cost because this is something I must put out. I don’t feel like it’s something that only I want or need to do. At a young age I was told by my 5/6th grade teacher to write a book and having several of my friends as my supporters with each decision I make whether it’s personal or business they got me. My heart is in this book journey and that I will protect until my dream is my reality. My physical appearance has changed so much over the years and in some ways I’ve become very concerned. I love my body and who I am overall point, blank…PERIOD. But in my heart I know it’s time to make some serious changes whether I like it or not. I’ve battled several years to lose weight and with the stress of the world I’ve just lost what truly count….what makes me happy physically. I have asthma and lately I’ve been wheezing more than I usually do so that in itself has made me slowly change my eating habits, cutting back on carbs and having more water intake. Losing weight is very hard regardless how celebrities make it look easy or you see someone just melt the pounds away. If you took 18 to 21 years to become 250 pounds then it will take some time to lose the weight necessary to be healthy.  You have to face the fact that you must lose weight or gain weight to become healthy. SO if your battling losing or gaining weight please know I’m in the same boast as you and I’m asking you to face the fact head on then go from there. Nobody can do it but you so don’t allow anyone to come between that. It’s very painful to come to terms with it but once you do it’ll be easier to take the steps toward losing or gaining weight. This is a subject I touch on in my book as well so be sure to read it when it’s published…I understand the battle with weight I’ve been battling it all my life.

In the mix of writing this amazing book and ready to lose this weight I’ve been trying to distance myself from a relationship that is so precious and sensitive to me that I can barely stand to talk of the relationship without getting defensive. I don’t hate him at all and I have all the love in the world for him within me BUT in my heart I know that at this time its not the time to be together. He’s at a place where he has to identify who he is, figure out where he’s headed and that transition from a boy to a man. He has all the talent and potential in the world but he’s not utilizing it the ways he should. I know he will be an amazing man at some point and I hope I’m still able to be in his life at that time BUT I know we both are trying to find ourselves and make the lives we want slowly but surely. I won’t lie to anyone he has hurt me in ways I couldn’t imagine and he has taught me so much about love but I cherish the lessons he’s taught me. I’m able to tell him how I feel without feeling as if I am wrong because he knows at the end of the day I love him from thousands of miles away and with every breath in me. What he means to me nobody will understand and what we have I will ALWAYS keep between us. I can’t express how I feel about him or our situation to anyone else because he’s the source he is the one responsible for how I feel, lol. But I am proud of myself to be able to say I know we can’t be and still be able to love him because he has an big heart that I fell in love with quickly.

There’s so much to life that we look past or don’t pay much attention to because we are too focus on the “appearance” of a person or money someone has. I often wonder why people are together and why do people fall in love with the finances people can provide for them when they don’t even love the person or didn’t give the person a real chance to love them but quick to use their money. I see it to often that big girls get looked passed or not of interest of guys because of their appearance. It’s crazy because everyone wants to be “loved” but looking in all the wrong places. They want love but in it for the money or want love but with the female because of her “looks”. What about the “heart” of the person? Does it not matter? If you love the person who is a plus size work with them tell them you love them so much you will WORK with them to lose weight sometimes that helps the person WANT to lose weight…they won’t lose weight unless they WANT too. Sometime we need motivation to do the things we’ve been putting off. Love is something I’m very passionate about and hungry for as a woman. Being in the situations that I have I can say I know exactly what I want out of a relationship, what love is and HOW it’s shown not just spoken PLUS when it’s genuine how smooth it goes and how well it feels to be around that ONE who makes it all worth it. What I’m saying is…let’s take it back to when love was worth it, when love was really love and it was pure. Money, fame, games and the glamour will fade but love is everlasting =)

Love, Peace and Honesty!,



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